Mammograms: When the World Is Flat!

Have you ever had a mammogram when your mammos stopped growing at age 9?  Yes, girls, not only do I wear an alluring A Cup, but I do believe I am an A- !  I've seen cheese wontons that put my chest to shame.  So you can imagine my embarrassment & frank dismay when I go to KAISER for my annual mammogram.

This year, they had a new machine.  No, it didn't have a microscope (that would have been more practical with my nut-like specimens) but it had A TRAY!  A TRAY!  A tray upon which to pour one's *lush womanly curves* so that it may be examined for unnatural growths (like, an additional fat cell maybe) by the charming nursie/technician.  Fortunately, Startled Nursie saw my dilemma, discreetly removed the tray and replaced it with the customary glass plates on which to photograph my near invisible thingamabobs.  Poor Nursie!  For 15 minutes, she squeezed, pummeled, kneaded, twisted, moved my arms this way & that, and exclaimed, "Oh dear, did that hurt?" and that was just the first breast.  By the end of the mammogram, I was in tears, convinced that if I didn't have cancer before, I certainly had it now, since the pain was near unbearable.  Did I have any breast left?  Surely she had squashed my meagre endowments to the size of a sausage patty.

At last, Exhausted Nursie left the room with the 4 precious plates of my mammogram. Five minutes later, she returned and said, smiling, that I would get a letter in 2 weeks.  It sounds like good news, but we'll see when I get that notice in the mail.  At this point, I'm just hoping my breasts will grow back in time for the next mammogram.

 

When Waterboarding might be preferable ...

                                       

 

                                                 

A Bookish Retirement

So what is the first thing you do when you start thinking of the BIG R?  You buy books on retirement, of course!  LOTS OF THEM!  Here's a teeny sampling of my reading list ...

RETIRE HAPPY: WHAT YOU CAN DO NOW TO GUARANTEE A GREAT RETIREMENT, by Richard Stim & Ralph Warner. 2008.
This is a typical Nolo Press book (Nolo books are always being stolen from my library), so you can be sure that it is exceedingly useful, straightforward and comprehensive. My favourite chapters are Ch.7. Convert Debt into Retirement Savings; Ch.8. Where will the Money Come From? and Ch. 9. Growing and Protecting Retirement Assets. RETIRE HAPPY might be a little too basic for you finance fanatics, but it's a great jumping off point and would be my first purchase.

RETIREMENTOLOGY: RETHINKING THE AMERICAN DREAM IN A NEW ECONOMY, by Gregory Salsbury. 2010.
This is not a retirement financial guide per se, and, in fact, might be more useful for those who are still a fair distance from throwing in the towel. But it talks about the irrational ways we behave when it comes to money ("I'm not really spending $900 on a 50 inch TV -- I'm saving money because its ON SALE!") and how *number crunching* should not scare us off planning for our retirement. This book is also surprisingly humorous and engaging for such a serious subject.

YOU CAN RETIRE YOUNG!  HOW TO RETIRE IN YOUR 40s OR 50s WITHOUT BEING RICH! by Larry Ferstenou. 2002.
Even if it is a bit dated (originally published in 2002, the author doesn't really discuss the high costs of health care & his compound interest rates are way off), this book is nevertheless an entertaining & practical account of how a frugal married couple saved their balls off and lived off their investments.  Of course, they don't mention until much later in the book that they also work part-time, but I forgive them because I'm such a sweet old lady.

20 RETIREMENT DECISIONS YOU NEED TO MAKE RIGHT NOW by Ray E. Levitre.  2010.
If you can understand this sentence "If your IRA contains after-tax contributions, withdrawals are made on a pro-rata basis" without eventually hallucinating about neighing sex starved centaurs, then this book is FOR YOU!  Recommended only for financial geeks and Lovers of Spreadsheet Literature.

• Decision #1: Do I have enough money to retire now?
• Decision #2: Is it worthwhile to develop a comprehensive financial plan if I'm already close to retirement?
• Decision #3: Who should I trust to advise me about my financial future?
• Decision #4: How much can I safely withdraw from my portfolio?
• Decision #5: If I retire early, is it okay to withdraw funds from my IRA?
• Decision #6: When should I begin taking Social Security?
• Decision #7: Which pension payout option should I choose?
• Decision #8: Which retirement plan distribution option should I choose?
• Decision #9: How should I manage my personal savings?
• Decision #10: How much should I invest in stocks, bonds, and cash?
• Decision #11: How should I diversify my investment portfolio?
• Decision #12: What should I do if the bulk of my portfolio is invested in one or two stocks?
• Decision #13: What criteria should I use to identify the best investments?
• Decision #14: Should I buy load or no-load mutual funds, annuities, and life insurance?
• Decision #15: How will I manage my portfolio on an ongoing basis?
• Decision #16: How will I cover my medical expenses during retirement?
• Decision #17: Should I buy long-term care insurance?
• Decision #18: Should I cancel my life insurance policy, since I no longer need the coverage?
• Decision #19: Should I pay off my mortgage at retirement?
• Decision #20: What strategies should I use to ensure that my estate passes to my heirs and not to Uncle Sam?

RAGS TO RETIREMENT: STORIES FROM PEOPLE WHO RETIRED WELL ON MUCH LESS THAN YOU'D THINK.  By Gail Liberman and Alan Lavine. 2010.
A really excellent book featuring tales of the mildly geriatric as they embark on the 2nd half of life.  There's no glossy fairy tales here -- every story is told with delightful honesty, and sometimes, an overlay of regret.  Stories range from an adventurous feller who decides to live on a houseboat to a somewhat sad account of a native American whose later life is complicated by a stroke.

 

All books are available on AMAZON. 

                                                      

                                             
                                                           

I Can't Dance But ...

They can!  This is my favourite Dance of All Time from SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE, one of the very few TV shows I watch.  The first time I saw this Spectacle of Loveliness, it made me cry. Probably because I knew I will never fit into Jaime's little blue negligee.  Sniffles.  Choreographed by Wade Robson, The Hummingbird & the Flower also won an Emmy.

                                         Hok & Jaime dance to The Chairman's Waltz

The Perfect Shoes!

All my life, I have been searching ... searching ... through the icy wastes of the Arctic and the steaming moist, slug-infested jungles of Cebu.  I have spent hundreds of dollars in the search, rudely tossing aside those which did not satisfy.  And then, three weeks ago, after reading a NY Times article on what flight attendants wore on their painful tootsies, the end of my Impossible Search came via UPS in an eagerly awaited AMAZON box.



Yes folks, I received my first pair of SKECHERS GO WALK walking shoes!  Yeah, I know they don't have the exquisite soul-destroying glamor of' a pair of Loboutins or Jimmy Choos, but just look at that cushy anti-microbial sock lining and the radically lightweight midsole which promotes a natural stride!  Plus these are the most comfortable non-pinching shoes I've ever owned!  That weird neuropathy-induced "dirty foot" feeling is reduced and I actually feel like bouncing up & down, something I haven't done since my mum hid the Halloween candy on top of the fridge.  The only super annoying thing about it is that I found these shoes about three months before RETIREMENT!  WTF!  Nevertheless, I bought three pairs (navy, black & a brown suede version called Autumn GoWalk) just in case Putin decides to bomb all the SKECHER factories in the world on a bad hair day.

Remember: SKECHERS GO WALK!  Choose the one without a subtitle, because apparently, SKECHERS GoWalk also come in different permutations like SKECHERS GoWalk Glee, or SKECHERS GoWalk Frisky, which looks like a unicorn vomited all over it.  And no, SKECHERS didn't pay me a cent for this post -- I just wanted all ye oldsters with foot issues to be aware that these comfy shoes are available on ZAPPOS, AMAZON and the official SKECHERS website, even if they are a little expensive ($59 US, but cheaper on AMAZON).

PS. Bookish Confessions, Pt. 2 will return next week. Maybe. Unless I find the perfect toenail clippers! Yarrr. 

Bookish Confessions, Pt. I

My sister, Tipsy VA Loan Analyst, interviews Tipsy Mermaid on her Wildly Exciting Career Path:

Tipsy VA:  How did you find your job?

My mum found my job.  I had just spent 7 months watching Frankie Goes to Hollywood videos when my mum pushed me off our flowered gabardine couch, shoved the LA Times Classifieds in front of my nose, and told me to apply for a temp job at a downtown law library. Since I was already sick of watching the only TWO Frankie videos available on MTV, I affably agreed to apply for a two year job relabeling 10,000 law books.  

Eventually (because I was so good at applying glue), I was offered a library clerk position, and after two years of rather intermittent training, I was promoted to Library Cataloging Assistant. Huzzahh!  From there, it was only a matter of time (like 20 years!) before I reached my current title of Library Assistant Who's been Around since the founding of Angkor Wat.

What is your favourite library?

THE LONDON LIBRARY in 14 Saint James Square, London. What a beautiful building!  Their collection is particularly strong in the humanities: history, art, world literature, religion, and gorgeous Jude Law type circulation clerks.  

Your favourite books?

Difficult question. You can't have just one! I would say my favourite historical fiction is Colleen McCullough's epic ROME series, which covers the Age of Sulla to the death of Cleopatra in six gigantic doorstop volumes.  I also love the endlessly inventive Gary Jennings who wrote AZTEC and THE JOURNEYER, books I re-read almost every year for their hot Kamasutric possibilities.  Sex featuring an onion?  CHECK!  Sex with a teapot?  CHECK!  By the way, if you want to experience *erotica* by purchasing FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, don't waste your money.  If I read about one more *shattering orgasm that happened because he touched me down there, there, in my secret private place, using his very long index finger*  I think I'll puke into 15 handbags.  Good grief, woman!  Be glad the author hasn't thought of chopsticks!

Tipsy VA:  Uhhhh ... where were we?  Can we continue next week?  I .. uhh .. have something to buy on AMAZON. 

       Interview to be continued next week!