The Christmas Push & Other Things

Now that I am on the Fiscal Cliff of Retirement, I should really watch the money, right?  Errrr ... no.  Christmas is only 40 days away, so I am shopping my brains off now, ONLINE, while I still have that "regular" salary.  So what's a *frugal* present?  Well, I find that new DVDs (purchased inexpensively on Ebay) fill the niche quite nicely.  They're not too cheesy and they're better than those suspicious Christmas tins filled with ancient popcorn & salt encrusted macadamias.  So, for lively family fun, I chose APOLLO 18 (monstrous alien gravel, OMG!), REAL STEEL (robots & scrumptious Hugh Jackman, nuff said) and RISE OF PLANET OF THE APES.  The oldtimers with more delicate sensibilities will get EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL or the Winona Ryder weepie LITTLE WOMEN (yes, I actually have relatives who haven't been to the cinema since 1982).  I had thought of gifting some lucky friend with the Renaissance papal potboiler THE BORGIAS, but all those heaving 15th century buttocks punctuated with cries of "But your mitre is so huge, my lord!" might give someone a heart attack.

Meanwhile, on AMAZON, I notice that my shopping cart grows ever longer, rather like those vajazzled codpieces on THE BORGIAS.  I wish someone would give me the EPSON WorkForce 845 Wireless All-In-One Color Inkjet Printer Scanner Copier Crushed Ice Dispenser/Bundt Case Mixer, but it's a bit dear ($144.75 Amazon Prime) even for a retirement prezzie.  Instead, the library will award me with one of those book-shaped acrylic plaques which honor my *service* and bedamned to you!  Heh.  I won't tell you exactly where I'm going to put the thing, but I will be able to look upon it & reflect on my glorious career while I rinse my frilly delicates.  To be fair, the nice HR lady did offer me a party, but I refused, because most *in-house* retirement parties are embarrassing to the retiree, and much of the staff just stand around, whispering like awkward teenagers.  "Who is she?" they mumble.  "I don't know, but I think I saw her last week, kicking the vending machine." 

Not long now.  Even my bus driver is getting excited.  Tick tock tick tock ...

                                               
                                               "I miss your whippings, milord ..."