In the Weeds

Sorry about neglecting this blog for a bit, but things happen.  Medical appointments, weeds in the garden (some taller than the rose bushes) and everyday, new ones grow, especially after a spring rain.  I have been talking retirement with my twin sister too -- originally, she wanted to work for 5 more years (she has a great pension coming), but I guess the diagnosis of congestive heart failure alters one's mind set.  Personally, I would love for her to retire -- we would then be two old fogies in our tatty waffle bathrobes, arguing about who will pull the weeds.   :)

 

From my garden ...

 

 

The Ones You Leave Behind

I used to think that retirement (well, until I got that kink in my hip) would be an unalloyed joy.  I would sleep until 9AM, watch all the SEX & THE CITY episodes I ever missed, and eat wildly unhealthy food from PANDA EXPRESS. 

But when I get emails from the people I used to work with in my old workplace, I'm just sad.  Almost every message mentions a layoff, someone being fired for the most trivial reasons, or someone departing because they couldn't stand their boss.  As it is, there now seems to be more "management" than there is staff to manage.  We even have "directors" who get paid in the $90,000-$100,000+ range who supervise only one person.

It wasn't always this way.  Many many moons ago (in the 80s, when I was first hired), we only had One Director and one other guy who was in charge of Administration. (I'm not sure what his official title was, but he was not called a Director), and I used to be able to send him funny emails when I asked for supplies.  We also had a feisty Human Resources lady and two secretaries.

Now, we have an Executive Director; an Interim Senior Director; a Senior Director/Chief Technology Officer, and a Senior Director of Administrative Services. We also have a Communications Director (apparently, maintaining the dullish website, and tweeting about exciting library events like brown bag lunches is worth $80 grand a year.) 

Meanwhile, we also have a Finance Manager (that's the accountant, folks) and the Human Resources Executive Assistant (receptionist) who sits at a very nice desk, records the minutes of every Board Meeting, and orders the birthday cupcakes for the Quarterly Staff Meeting.  And of course, the ones who lose their jobs are the lowly support staff, the part-timers, and the *uneducated* creatures without an impressive degree. (Librarians are almost never fired -- most of them leave to escape the toxic surroundings.) 

I wish I didn't have to write this post, because the library is already behind me.  But my friends' uncertain job situation pisses me off, and everyday, I wish I could help them. 

                                           

The Next Five Years

 Okay, I’m retired. No more whining about boredom, the Wickedness of my Ex-Director, the overpaid good-for-nothing library management, the eye-rolling tedium of staff meetings, and the sad lack of cheez doodles in the vending machine.  So I’ve finally decided to make a list of things I want to complete within the next five years.  Hopefully, these goals will give my retirement some substance, some sense of meaning.  (Hurmm, I wonder what it means to watch 120 episodes of FRASIER in 2 months. Eck.)

1.     My most important goal is to pay down my credit card debt.  Last year, Feb. 2012, my debt was around $65,000.  Yes, folks, $65,679, to be exact. This is what happens when you have 8 credit cards and a taste for antique Spanish Colonial sculpture, high-end fabrics, expensive decorating books, and a PRIME account with AMAZON.  So what if I look like a Beyonce of Fleece – I had an 18^th century Portugese Madonna!  Eventually, I decided this was unsustainable, and as of today, Feb. 7, 2013, my debt has been reduced to $53,000.  Hopefully, within four years, my credit card debt will be wiped out to near-nothingness!

2.     Save $6000 for a month in London and $4000 for 2 weeks in Rome.  It would be so easy to just put this on my paid-up credit cards ($15,000 credit available!) but I’m not going to do that. I’m going to see if I can squeeze $50 a week into my Savings Bell Jar.  (It’s so nice to stare at a glass jar full of beautiful, slightly crumpled cash.)

3.     Start a little zine of my own.  I’ve always been fascinated by these eccentric little self-publications, so I’m going to see if I can make one too.

4.     Lose 30 pounds.   I’m on my way!  I’ve lost 6 pounds already since retirement, and I’m not even sure how it happened.  It was probably the weeding.

5.     Create a lovely cottage garden!   So far, my garden looks nothing like Hidcote or Barnsdale, or any of those hateful flowery things on YouTube, but I’ll be patient.

6.  Read 25 books every year.  I can probably do better than this, but not if I keep re-reading SHOGUN or my worn-out copy of THE MAMMOTH BOOK OF GHOST STORIES.

7.  Start a used bookstore/curio shop with my sister.  I don't know if this will ever happen, but I think it's a lovely dream.

                                    That Portugese Madonna

The Most Beautiful Box in the World!

I am not a particularly craftsy person (glue terrifies me!) but on my Last Day at Work, I received the most beautiful hand-crafted gift from the staff.  A dear friend, S. made a splendid library-themed box and filled it with artfully embellished goodbye notes from my co-workers.  As the person who usually made most of the Retirement Gifts for departing staff, I was so touched that anyone would go to so much trouble, and so much glue!  The details were amazing!  Thank you, dearest S., I will treasure this box forever, and thanks also to all the wonderful people I worked with at the library, for making everyday a revelation.

                                                                 The Retirement Box.    

                                        
                                                                         "Open Sesame!"
                                            

Straining for the Finish Line!

Of course it had to happen! My computer had to conk out just as my Last WorkWeek is starting.  Bleech. What's worse is that, basically, I am scared of computers and all its attendant responsibilities, including the computer guy I just called to fix my laptop.  How do I describe my problem?  That I hear weird little whirring noises while I stare at kittens on Cute Overload?  That it takes 6 hours for my computer to shut down?  That I'm even suspicious of all those creepy Adobe updates?  (Who is Adobe and what does it want?) 

So what's left?  Well, there's that dreaded Exit Interview.  The Human Resources lady said she would give me the questions ahead of time, but I haven't heard from her in 2 weeks.  I guess she's too busy with our Soon-To-be Ex Director's More Important Paperwork and Ridiculously Large Alimony.  In my next life, I will try to come back as a Library Director who still manages to negotiate for ungodly sums of *separation* money despite doing a lousy job.  It's a Good Thing.

"Will you be home with me all the time now, Mommy?"

 

                                                

The Christmas Push & Other Things

Now that I am on the Fiscal Cliff of Retirement, I should really watch the money, right?  Errrr ... no.  Christmas is only 40 days away, so I am shopping my brains off now, ONLINE, while I still have that "regular" salary.  So what's a *frugal* present?  Well, I find that new DVDs (purchased inexpensively on Ebay) fill the niche quite nicely.  They're not too cheesy and they're better than those suspicious Christmas tins filled with ancient popcorn & salt encrusted macadamias.  So, for lively family fun, I chose APOLLO 18 (monstrous alien gravel, OMG!), REAL STEEL (robots & scrumptious Hugh Jackman, nuff said) and RISE OF PLANET OF THE APES.  The oldtimers with more delicate sensibilities will get EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL or the Winona Ryder weepie LITTLE WOMEN (yes, I actually have relatives who haven't been to the cinema since 1982).  I had thought of gifting some lucky friend with the Renaissance papal potboiler THE BORGIAS, but all those heaving 15th century buttocks punctuated with cries of "But your mitre is so huge, my lord!" might give someone a heart attack.

Meanwhile, on AMAZON, I notice that my shopping cart grows ever longer, rather like those vajazzled codpieces on THE BORGIAS.  I wish someone would give me the EPSON WorkForce 845 Wireless All-In-One Color Inkjet Printer Scanner Copier Crushed Ice Dispenser/Bundt Case Mixer, but it's a bit dear ($144.75 Amazon Prime) even for a retirement prezzie.  Instead, the library will award me with one of those book-shaped acrylic plaques which honor my *service* and bedamned to you!  Heh.  I won't tell you exactly where I'm going to put the thing, but I will be able to look upon it & reflect on my glorious career while I rinse my frilly delicates.  To be fair, the nice HR lady did offer me a party, but I refused, because most *in-house* retirement parties are embarrassing to the retiree, and much of the staff just stand around, whispering like awkward teenagers.  "Who is she?" they mumble.  "I don't know, but I think I saw her last week, kicking the vending machine." 

Not long now.  Even my bus driver is getting excited.  Tick tock tick tock ...

                                               
                                               "I miss your whippings, milord ..."

Cleaning Up My Desk

I've been at my job for 28 years.  I started as a two year temp, hired to label thousands of crumbling state law books which filled an entire floor of our library building.  When the project was done, the kindly Head of Cataloging asked me to stay on as a clerk (and eventually cataloging assistant), which I did gladly because I didn't know what else to do.  (Think hard about that Humanities degree, kidlets!)  Now, decades later, I am waxing (slightly) nostalgic over stuff from those days of yore, like a silly handmade manual of cataloging instructions which are now mostly defunct.  And I wrote everything down in my prettiest Catholic high school penmanship too.

“If the printout is a maintenance record, set *fun cat mai.* If new record, *set fun cat.* Go to the first LOC field and type <F2> b. This will recall the string bh 1, com 1, lb 1, nwk 1, pas 1, pom 1, sm 1, tor 1, vn 1.”

 

I also found photocopies of retirement cards I had made over the years for now departed friends & colleagues.  Interesting how I apparently even made cards for people I disliked profoundly, just because I was deemed the *resident artist* and everyone thought it was my duty.  And then, there are all the leftover thingies from the *blockbuster* library exhibits I had done in the 90s:  that dried up mangy tulip bulb (the Monetary Law Exhibit of '98), the resin apple pie which a hungry co-worker tried to eat (the Food Law Exhibit of '97), and the rather wonky Han granary (Ancient Chinese Law Exhibit of '99) which I should really re-sell on Ebay.  (Originally $15!  Authenticated by Sotheby. Seriously.)

A lot of this stuff will go, of course.  Still, I will particularly miss the 40 ketchup packets which I had been planning to sell to the highest bidder if the staff had all been trapped in the aftermath of a catastrophic earthquake.  And that tempting bag of chili lemon pork rinds from 2004?   Ehhh .. maybe not so much.

                                                                Going, going ...                                                     

Retirement Blues

Is Henri near retirement?  I think so.   My *cat door* is five weeks away.

Assorted Thoughts

Received a retirement mug today from a kindly neighbor. It says "The past is history. Tomorrow's a mystery. Today is a gift."  Hoookay.  I will have to think about the gifty part again on Wednesday, when my workplace closes down for an all-day staff meeting, and we have to listen to 6 hours of stuff that has nothing to do with our work.  I wonder if I should bring a large bag of Honey Dijon potato chips to the proceedings, but decide the loud crunching noises would attract Security.

Meanwhile, the library finds that Big Bossy has decided to retire at the end of December 2012!  WOW, that was shocking.  We thought she would never leave ... I mean, we thought she would be our executive director for another 5 years at least.  Naturally, most of us have mixed emotions ... but, really, I was STUNNED.   I was so stunned that my jaw fell to the floor and crushed a malingering cockroach.  But I will write more about this affair after I have officially retired and chugged a  large sparkly martini.

I'm cooking Hormel smoked *pork chops* for my dad's lunch.  That is -- ordinary ham cut in the shape of pork chops with the little rims of *pretend* fat.  My dad bought it because it looked healthier.  Did I forget to add that those 4 skinny fake pork chops cost almost $5?  Tsk tsk tsk.

                                       Come on, no one hates a staff meeting that much!

48 Days to Go!

It's mid-October; the box turtle is digging up the backyard, looking for a comfy place to hibernate; and I have only 48 days to go before the End of My Glorious Library Career. Huzzahhh!  In fact, I am sure I have changed the World since my highly important initials MLC must show up just about 80,000 times in the OCLC database!  (OCLC is an online global library catalogue.)

So what's left?  Well, I have to bring my crap home.  That is: all my books, gardening & decoration magazines, coffee mugs, miniature Buddha collection, assorted knicknacks and doodads, photographs, and office supplies that I PURCHASED FOR MY PERSONAL USE because the library is too cheap to provide them.  For example, instead of Post-Its, our resourceful supply person has to give us old cut-up, somewhat sticky telephone memo pads. So I buy my own Post-Its as well as my own Extra Fine Razor Point PILOT pens which I prefer for my exquisite penmanship. Yairs.  Funny how Management can renovate our entire building at huge cost, but go el-cheapo in the post-it department.

I also found a large packet of caricatures which I used to draw when I got annoyed with someone.  There is AT LEAST a hundred of these caricatures, but most of the people featured have long gone or retired.  I don't make them anymore, especially after A Caricatured One snooped in my desk drawer (probably to look for a Post-It) and found my stash.  So now I just fume and blog, chortle!

                                                   48 days?  You've got to be kidding!

A Bookish Retirement

So what is the first thing you do when you start thinking of the BIG R?  You buy books on retirement, of course!  LOTS OF THEM!  Here's a teeny sampling of my reading list ...

RETIRE HAPPY: WHAT YOU CAN DO NOW TO GUARANTEE A GREAT RETIREMENT, by Richard Stim & Ralph Warner. 2008.
This is a typical Nolo Press book (Nolo books are always being stolen from my library), so you can be sure that it is exceedingly useful, straightforward and comprehensive. My favourite chapters are Ch.7. Convert Debt into Retirement Savings; Ch.8. Where will the Money Come From? and Ch. 9. Growing and Protecting Retirement Assets. RETIRE HAPPY might be a little too basic for you finance fanatics, but it's a great jumping off point and would be my first purchase.

RETIREMENTOLOGY: RETHINKING THE AMERICAN DREAM IN A NEW ECONOMY, by Gregory Salsbury. 2010.
This is not a retirement financial guide per se, and, in fact, might be more useful for those who are still a fair distance from throwing in the towel. But it talks about the irrational ways we behave when it comes to money ("I'm not really spending $900 on a 50 inch TV -- I'm saving money because its ON SALE!") and how *number crunching* should not scare us off planning for our retirement. This book is also surprisingly humorous and engaging for such a serious subject.

YOU CAN RETIRE YOUNG!  HOW TO RETIRE IN YOUR 40s OR 50s WITHOUT BEING RICH! by Larry Ferstenou. 2002.
Even if it is a bit dated (originally published in 2002, the author doesn't really discuss the high costs of health care & his compound interest rates are way off), this book is nevertheless an entertaining & practical account of how a frugal married couple saved their balls off and lived off their investments.  Of course, they don't mention until much later in the book that they also work part-time, but I forgive them because I'm such a sweet old lady.

20 RETIREMENT DECISIONS YOU NEED TO MAKE RIGHT NOW by Ray E. Levitre.  2010.
If you can understand this sentence "If your IRA contains after-tax contributions, withdrawals are made on a pro-rata basis" without eventually hallucinating about neighing sex starved centaurs, then this book is FOR YOU!  Recommended only for financial geeks and Lovers of Spreadsheet Literature.

• Decision #1: Do I have enough money to retire now?
• Decision #2: Is it worthwhile to develop a comprehensive financial plan if I'm already close to retirement?
• Decision #3: Who should I trust to advise me about my financial future?
• Decision #4: How much can I safely withdraw from my portfolio?
• Decision #5: If I retire early, is it okay to withdraw funds from my IRA?
• Decision #6: When should I begin taking Social Security?
• Decision #7: Which pension payout option should I choose?
• Decision #8: Which retirement plan distribution option should I choose?
• Decision #9: How should I manage my personal savings?
• Decision #10: How much should I invest in stocks, bonds, and cash?
• Decision #11: How should I diversify my investment portfolio?
• Decision #12: What should I do if the bulk of my portfolio is invested in one or two stocks?
• Decision #13: What criteria should I use to identify the best investments?
• Decision #14: Should I buy load or no-load mutual funds, annuities, and life insurance?
• Decision #15: How will I manage my portfolio on an ongoing basis?
• Decision #16: How will I cover my medical expenses during retirement?
• Decision #17: Should I buy long-term care insurance?
• Decision #18: Should I cancel my life insurance policy, since I no longer need the coverage?
• Decision #19: Should I pay off my mortgage at retirement?
• Decision #20: What strategies should I use to ensure that my estate passes to my heirs and not to Uncle Sam?

RAGS TO RETIREMENT: STORIES FROM PEOPLE WHO RETIRED WELL ON MUCH LESS THAN YOU'D THINK.  By Gail Liberman and Alan Lavine. 2010.
A really excellent book featuring tales of the mildly geriatric as they embark on the 2nd half of life.  There's no glossy fairy tales here -- every story is told with delightful honesty, and sometimes, an overlay of regret.  Stories range from an adventurous feller who decides to live on a houseboat to a somewhat sad account of a native American whose later life is complicated by a stroke.

 

All books are available on AMAZON. 

                                                      

                                             
                                                           

96 Days & Counting!

WOW, could it be so?  I have 96 days left on my Novelty Retirement Clock!  (A blue cartoonish object purchased on Amazon for a ridiculous $14, eeek!)  Counting assorted holidays & days off for doctors appointments, that is actually only 64 working days!  (My last day is November 30, 2012.)   A lot of people tell me that the days will go by like a speeding bullet, but I don't think that's true at all.  I find every day unbearably slow, and I am actually considering using some of my vacation so I can leave even earlier. (I have 200 hours vacation which cannot be converted into service credit.)  I know my boss won't be happy about it, but frankly, who cares?  28 years of near non-appreciation from most of my superiors and I'm supposed to give a Flying F**k?  (Pardon the salty language, but I'm a bit pissed at the moment.)

It's funny, but after working here for so long, I no longer have a sense of the weight & depth of real life.  I come to work. I get my coffee. My boss emails me my assignments for the week.  She checks with me to see if I'm ok with it. I work for eight hours. If there happens to be a stray electron of amusement in my working day, it comes from some cynical friend or from the internet. I work some more.  At 4:45 PM, I leave.  And every two weeks, I get paid.  Thats It.

96 days left on my retirement clock.   Tick tock, tick tock ...

                                                   

When Enough is Enough ...

A friend recently told me, "You're too young to retire!  Why not stay two more years to increase your pension?  You would be making 75% of your salary!"  Why not indeed?  I've been thinking hard about this.  My twin sister, who works for the VA, makes more than twice as much money as I do, but is always stressed out from coping with report deadlines, a workaholic boss, and deadbeat employees.  And yet she will not consider leaving until 2016, when she is eligible for Full Retirement & generous federal bennies. 

Meanwhile, Poverty-Stricken Me wants to throw in the towel at 51 despite a wallet full of credit cards and considerable debt.  Am I bored, even lazy?  Perhaps.  But I didn't get this way without help.  For one thing, I haven't been promoted since Bruce Springsteen wore blue jean nappies.  Even weirdos have received more consideration -- one of them was a colleague who got promoted 3 times while trimming her toenails and complaining to me that she is overworked and that her wrists hurt.  (From what?  Excessive wrist rotation from overactive toenail growth?) 

So I am retiring, calling it a day, engines are now disengaging, Captain.  Not just because 50 is the mimimum age for early retirement in my neck of the woods.  But also because, over the last year or so, it is now clear that the lack of acknowledgment / promotion / new desk inlaid with rare Neapolitan woods also rankles.  I'll miss my friends when I leave.  But continuing to work under these circumstances would be foolish and, ultimately, self-destructive.

                           

                                        Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
                                         And sorry I could not travel both
                                         And be one traveler, long I stood
                                         And looked down one as far as I could
                                        To where it bent in the undergrowth ..

                                                                                            Robert Frost

                                                                               

                   

You Can Feel it in your Bones ...

You know it's Time to Retire when:

• You just bought microwaveable comfort booties on Amazon.
• You pity everyone under 45. 
• 95% of your internet bookmarks are about living in Costa Rica and toe joint inflammation. 
• You start making cash flow diagrams on post-its during staff meetings.
• You realize that you've been using the same art gum eraser for 23 years.
• Your boss keeps telling visitors that you have been working there since you were a fetus.
• You find the dried-up cinnamon buns in the kitchen vending machine surprisingly tasty.   
• All your tops have zippers & your pants are fleece.

                                                        Notice the retirement clock?