Windows 8 ... Nooooo!

Well well well ... its 2013 and I have WINDOWS 8 on my computer!  Oh nooo!  [Tipsy starts to hyperventilate.]  Yes, I have an expensive new desktop alright, but it also has the shockingly different Windows 8 interface with its *living tiles* and no way to exit a page!  Ughhhhh!  Where's my big old *E* button that was perfect for these senior eyes?  What happened to my oh-so-convenient list of bookmarks that was always there on the left side of my screen?  How come the computer clock keeps going back to Central Time?  Does Microsoft want me to move to Arkansas?  So tonight, I am waiting for my new book WINDOWS 8 FOR DUMMIES which I just ordered from Amazon.  Unfortunately, there will be a week's delay because of the many dummies out there who also got a new computer for 2013.  Gahhhh!

Meanwhile, I have started reading my Christmas book stash again, starting with the vampire thriller RED, WHITE AND BLOOD by Chris Farnsworth.  I don't read vampire things usually (however, I will tolerate well-written zombies), but this book features a handsome 140 year old bloodsucker who serves the President of the United States!  We should all be so lucky. Yarrrr.

The Perfect Shoes!

All my life, I have been searching ... searching ... through the icy wastes of the Arctic and the steaming moist, slug-infested jungles of Cebu.  I have spent hundreds of dollars in the search, rudely tossing aside those which did not satisfy.  And then, three weeks ago, after reading a NY Times article on what flight attendants wore on their painful tootsies, the end of my Impossible Search came via UPS in an eagerly awaited AMAZON box.



Yes folks, I received my first pair of SKECHERS GO WALK walking shoes!  Yeah, I know they don't have the exquisite soul-destroying glamor of' a pair of Loboutins or Jimmy Choos, but just look at that cushy anti-microbial sock lining and the radically lightweight midsole which promotes a natural stride!  Plus these are the most comfortable non-pinching shoes I've ever owned!  That weird neuropathy-induced "dirty foot" feeling is reduced and I actually feel like bouncing up & down, something I haven't done since my mum hid the Halloween candy on top of the fridge.  The only super annoying thing about it is that I found these shoes about three months before RETIREMENT!  WTF!  Nevertheless, I bought three pairs (navy, black & a brown suede version called Autumn GoWalk) just in case Putin decides to bomb all the SKECHER factories in the world on a bad hair day.

Remember: SKECHERS GO WALK!  Choose the one without a subtitle, because apparently, SKECHERS GoWalk also come in different permutations like SKECHERS GoWalk Glee, or SKECHERS GoWalk Frisky, which looks like a unicorn vomited all over it.  And no, SKECHERS didn't pay me a cent for this post -- I just wanted all ye oldsters with foot issues to be aware that these comfy shoes are available on ZAPPOS, AMAZON and the official SKECHERS website, even if they are a little expensive ($59 US, but cheaper on AMAZON).

PS. Bookish Confessions, Pt. 2 will return next week. Maybe. Unless I find the perfect toenail clippers! Yarrr. 

Bookish Confessions, Pt. I

My sister, Tipsy VA Loan Analyst, interviews Tipsy Mermaid on her Wildly Exciting Career Path:

Tipsy VA:  How did you find your job?

My mum found my job.  I had just spent 7 months watching Frankie Goes to Hollywood videos when my mum pushed me off our flowered gabardine couch, shoved the LA Times Classifieds in front of my nose, and told me to apply for a temp job at a downtown law library. Since I was already sick of watching the only TWO Frankie videos available on MTV, I affably agreed to apply for a two year job relabeling 10,000 law books.  

Eventually (because I was so good at applying glue), I was offered a library clerk position, and after two years of rather intermittent training, I was promoted to Library Cataloging Assistant. Huzzahh!  From there, it was only a matter of time (like 20 years!) before I reached my current title of Library Assistant Who's been Around since the founding of Angkor Wat.

What is your favourite library?

THE LONDON LIBRARY in 14 Saint James Square, London. What a beautiful building!  Their collection is particularly strong in the humanities: history, art, world literature, religion, and gorgeous Jude Law type circulation clerks.  

Your favourite books?

Difficult question. You can't have just one! I would say my favourite historical fiction is Colleen McCullough's epic ROME series, which covers the Age of Sulla to the death of Cleopatra in six gigantic doorstop volumes.  I also love the endlessly inventive Gary Jennings who wrote AZTEC and THE JOURNEYER, books I re-read almost every year for their hot Kamasutric possibilities.  Sex featuring an onion?  CHECK!  Sex with a teapot?  CHECK!  By the way, if you want to experience *erotica* by purchasing FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, don't waste your money.  If I read about one more *shattering orgasm that happened because he touched me down there, there, in my secret private place, using his very long index finger*  I think I'll puke into 15 handbags.  Good grief, woman!  Be glad the author hasn't thought of chopsticks!

Tipsy VA:  Uhhhh ... where were we?  Can we continue next week?  I .. uhh .. have something to buy on AMAZON. 

       Interview to be continued next week!     

You Can Feel it in your Bones ...

You know it's Time to Retire when:

• You just bought microwaveable comfort booties on Amazon.
• You pity everyone under 45. 
• 95% of your internet bookmarks are about living in Costa Rica and toe joint inflammation. 
• You start making cash flow diagrams on post-its during staff meetings.
• You realize that you've been using the same art gum eraser for 23 years.
• Your boss keeps telling visitors that you have been working there since you were a fetus.
• You find the dried-up cinnamon buns in the kitchen vending machine surprisingly tasty.   
• All your tops have zippers & your pants are fleece.

                                                        Notice the retirement clock?