Computer Update! Not Good. Bleech..

Computer Techie Dude says its a hard drive problem and my computer's life is flickering on the knife-edge of non-existence.  I have to buy a new computer or have Hewlett Packard install a new hard drive for around $300.  So I talked to my sister and she agreed to let me  mooch off her for a new PC.  I balked at the $2000 price she quoted (she's a high tech sort of gal), but she told me *Moochers can't be choosers* and to bow to her expertise.  LOL.  So I am going into 2013, oweing more money!  Wooohooo!  Just makes you heart go pitter patter in excitement, doesn't it?

HAPPY NEW YEAR, FOLKS!

                              

Bad Computer! Bad Bad!

I want a new computer for Christmas!  Ok, maybe not.  The fact is:  I am Hell on computers.  Two years with me and they collapse, stuck in a neverending cycle of Lock & Load.  My sister says I don't protect my computers from dust & other malevolent particles, so a month ago, I started covering my current machine with a pretty ruffled pillow case. Alas, my computer continues to cough & sputter, and after taking over 6 hours to shut down, I finally had to call an AT&T technician to check its kidneys.  He will come on December 24, Christmas Eve, between 8 and 9AM, and I will have to pay him the princely sum of $179, whether he can fix it or not.  The $179 charge will automatically be added to our monthly AT&T bill, so no filthy lucre changes hands, but now, I'm wondering how much I should tip the technician. Any suggestions?

Meanwhile ... HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE! 

                                    

Retirement Zzzzzzzz ...

Wow, has it been two weeks already since that Unforgettable Day of Liberation?  I can't believe it!  TWO WEEKS!  No, I'm not bored -- nor do I miss my job.  But I haven't done much either.  Let me see ...  I took our somewhat matted Maltese to the groomer; scrubbed the stubborn grime off the kitchen backsplash with Mr. Clean Magic Eraser (I love these sponges -- so effective!); hoed some weeds off the flower beds for about half an hour; stuffed ten giant plastic bags with old clothes and donated it all to St Vincent De Paul; guzzled some egg nog while cheerfully watching DEXTER murder his 118th victim, and then ... NOTHING.  I feel like doing nothing.  I haven't even finished my cheesy paranormal paperback which I started way back in October.  Worse, I don't even have the energy to write a spine-tingling exposé about the Shocking Behaviour of Upper Management in Academic Libraries, which would likely have won me a Bloggy Pulitzer.  And let's not discuss my .. hmmm ... appearance. Heh.

My sister:  Hey, you left your microwavable sock in the potting shed!
Me:  Er, thanks.  I was looking for that.

PS. My two engraved retirement plaques (this includes the one with the wrong inscription) are now in my desk drawer, next to the stamps, paper clips and, bizarrely, three Free 500 Hours AOL Sign-Up discs. Oh dear.  I think there are people at work who have never even heard of AOL.
                                            

The Most Beautiful Box in the World!

I am not a particularly craftsy person (glue terrifies me!) but on my Last Day at Work, I received the most beautiful hand-crafted gift from the staff.  A dear friend, S. made a splendid library-themed box and filled it with artfully embellished goodbye notes from my co-workers.  As the person who usually made most of the Retirement Gifts for departing staff, I was so touched that anyone would go to so much trouble, and so much glue!  The details were amazing!  Thank you, dearest S., I will treasure this box forever, and thanks also to all the wonderful people I worked with at the library, for making everyday a revelation.

                                                                 The Retirement Box.    

                                        
                                                                         "Open Sesame!"
                                            

Retirement Fluey!

Friday, Nov. 30 was my Last Day at work.  I had a wonderful retirement party and I got a tremendous going-away staff gift. (Pictures next week!)  I hugged goodbye my despised ex-director who hugged me back and pretended to care.  Our wonderfully thoughtful management put the wrong number of years of service on my *Award* plaque. (Not exactly an unexpected development from this gang of twits.)  I was going to write more, but last night, I started sneezing my head off and my temperature was slightly elevated.  So now, I have the Flu on the First Day of the Rest of My Life.  Bleech.  

                                              

Straining for the Finish Line!

Of course it had to happen! My computer had to conk out just as my Last WorkWeek is starting.  Bleech. What's worse is that, basically, I am scared of computers and all its attendant responsibilities, including the computer guy I just called to fix my laptop.  How do I describe my problem?  That I hear weird little whirring noises while I stare at kittens on Cute Overload?  That it takes 6 hours for my computer to shut down?  That I'm even suspicious of all those creepy Adobe updates?  (Who is Adobe and what does it want?) 

So what's left?  Well, there's that dreaded Exit Interview.  The Human Resources lady said she would give me the questions ahead of time, but I haven't heard from her in 2 weeks.  I guess she's too busy with our Soon-To-be Ex Director's More Important Paperwork and Ridiculously Large Alimony.  In my next life, I will try to come back as a Library Director who still manages to negotiate for ungodly sums of *separation* money despite doing a lousy job.  It's a Good Thing.

"Will you be home with me all the time now, Mommy?"

 

                                                

The Christmas Push & Other Things

Now that I am on the Fiscal Cliff of Retirement, I should really watch the money, right?  Errrr ... no.  Christmas is only 40 days away, so I am shopping my brains off now, ONLINE, while I still have that "regular" salary.  So what's a *frugal* present?  Well, I find that new DVDs (purchased inexpensively on Ebay) fill the niche quite nicely.  They're not too cheesy and they're better than those suspicious Christmas tins filled with ancient popcorn & salt encrusted macadamias.  So, for lively family fun, I chose APOLLO 18 (monstrous alien gravel, OMG!), REAL STEEL (robots & scrumptious Hugh Jackman, nuff said) and RISE OF PLANET OF THE APES.  The oldtimers with more delicate sensibilities will get EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL or the Winona Ryder weepie LITTLE WOMEN (yes, I actually have relatives who haven't been to the cinema since 1982).  I had thought of gifting some lucky friend with the Renaissance papal potboiler THE BORGIAS, but all those heaving 15th century buttocks punctuated with cries of "But your mitre is so huge, my lord!" might give someone a heart attack.

Meanwhile, on AMAZON, I notice that my shopping cart grows ever longer, rather like those vajazzled codpieces on THE BORGIAS.  I wish someone would give me the EPSON WorkForce 845 Wireless All-In-One Color Inkjet Printer Scanner Copier Crushed Ice Dispenser/Bundt Case Mixer, but it's a bit dear ($144.75 Amazon Prime) even for a retirement prezzie.  Instead, the library will award me with one of those book-shaped acrylic plaques which honor my *service* and bedamned to you!  Heh.  I won't tell you exactly where I'm going to put the thing, but I will be able to look upon it & reflect on my glorious career while I rinse my frilly delicates.  To be fair, the nice HR lady did offer me a party, but I refused, because most *in-house* retirement parties are embarrassing to the retiree, and much of the staff just stand around, whispering like awkward teenagers.  "Who is she?" they mumble.  "I don't know, but I think I saw her last week, kicking the vending machine." 

Not long now.  Even my bus driver is getting excited.  Tick tock tick tock ...

                                               
                                               "I miss your whippings, milord ..."

In Flanders Field

 

                                  In Memory of Our Veterans, Past and Present ...

Hope & Change

    Good Luck, dearie!  You'll need it!

Cleaning Up My Desk

I've been at my job for 28 years.  I started as a two year temp, hired to label thousands of crumbling state law books which filled an entire floor of our library building.  When the project was done, the kindly Head of Cataloging asked me to stay on as a clerk (and eventually cataloging assistant), which I did gladly because I didn't know what else to do.  (Think hard about that Humanities degree, kidlets!)  Now, decades later, I am waxing (slightly) nostalgic over stuff from those days of yore, like a silly handmade manual of cataloging instructions which are now mostly defunct.  And I wrote everything down in my prettiest Catholic high school penmanship too.

“If the printout is a maintenance record, set *fun cat mai.* If new record, *set fun cat.* Go to the first LOC field and type <F2> b. This will recall the string bh 1, com 1, lb 1, nwk 1, pas 1, pom 1, sm 1, tor 1, vn 1.”

 

I also found photocopies of retirement cards I had made over the years for now departed friends & colleagues.  Interesting how I apparently even made cards for people I disliked profoundly, just because I was deemed the *resident artist* and everyone thought it was my duty.  And then, there are all the leftover thingies from the *blockbuster* library exhibits I had done in the 90s:  that dried up mangy tulip bulb (the Monetary Law Exhibit of '98), the resin apple pie which a hungry co-worker tried to eat (the Food Law Exhibit of '97), and the rather wonky Han granary (Ancient Chinese Law Exhibit of '99) which I should really re-sell on Ebay.  (Originally $15!  Authenticated by Sotheby. Seriously.)

A lot of this stuff will go, of course.  Still, I will particularly miss the 40 ketchup packets which I had been planning to sell to the highest bidder if the staff had all been trapped in the aftermath of a catastrophic earthquake.  And that tempting bag of chili lemon pork rinds from 2004?   Ehhh .. maybe not so much.

                                                                Going, going ...                                                     

Retirement Blues

Is Henri near retirement?  I think so.   My *cat door* is five weeks away.

Assorted Thoughts

Received a retirement mug today from a kindly neighbor. It says "The past is history. Tomorrow's a mystery. Today is a gift."  Hoookay.  I will have to think about the gifty part again on Wednesday, when my workplace closes down for an all-day staff meeting, and we have to listen to 6 hours of stuff that has nothing to do with our work.  I wonder if I should bring a large bag of Honey Dijon potato chips to the proceedings, but decide the loud crunching noises would attract Security.

Meanwhile, the library finds that Big Bossy has decided to retire at the end of December 2012!  WOW, that was shocking.  We thought she would never leave ... I mean, we thought she would be our executive director for another 5 years at least.  Naturally, most of us have mixed emotions ... but, really, I was STUNNED.   I was so stunned that my jaw fell to the floor and crushed a malingering cockroach.  But I will write more about this affair after I have officially retired and chugged a  large sparkly martini.

I'm cooking Hormel smoked *pork chops* for my dad's lunch.  That is -- ordinary ham cut in the shape of pork chops with the little rims of *pretend* fat.  My dad bought it because it looked healthier.  Did I forget to add that those 4 skinny fake pork chops cost almost $5?  Tsk tsk tsk.

                                       Come on, no one hates a staff meeting that much!

48 Days to Go!

It's mid-October; the box turtle is digging up the backyard, looking for a comfy place to hibernate; and I have only 48 days to go before the End of My Glorious Library Career. Huzzahhh!  In fact, I am sure I have changed the World since my highly important initials MLC must show up just about 80,000 times in the OCLC database!  (OCLC is an online global library catalogue.)

So what's left?  Well, I have to bring my crap home.  That is: all my books, gardening & decoration magazines, coffee mugs, miniature Buddha collection, assorted knicknacks and doodads, photographs, and office supplies that I PURCHASED FOR MY PERSONAL USE because the library is too cheap to provide them.  For example, instead of Post-Its, our resourceful supply person has to give us old cut-up, somewhat sticky telephone memo pads. So I buy my own Post-Its as well as my own Extra Fine Razor Point PILOT pens which I prefer for my exquisite penmanship. Yairs.  Funny how Management can renovate our entire building at huge cost, but go el-cheapo in the post-it department.

I also found a large packet of caricatures which I used to draw when I got annoyed with someone.  There is AT LEAST a hundred of these caricatures, but most of the people featured have long gone or retired.  I don't make them anymore, especially after A Caricatured One snooped in my desk drawer (probably to look for a Post-It) and found my stash.  So now I just fume and blog, chortle!

                                                   48 days?  You've got to be kidding!

Call Me Maybe

I was called back.  After 5 years of clear mammograms, I was called back. I couldn't believe it -- here I was, on the glorious edge of Retirement, and I get a freaking call from Kaiser about returning for a second mammogram and an ultrasound. Apparently, they had found something *interesting* in my smidge of a right breast. Okay, I reasoned, it must be really miniscule, a veritable dust mite, if they found it in one of my pea-like boobs.  So I managed to stop hyperventilating for 5 minutes and made the appointment for Friday, October 5.  

I wish I could say I calmed down after that.  But alas, I just managed to scare myself witless by going on the internuts and finding the discussion forums of Breastcancer.org.  This is a wonderful site, an amazing site, a hyperactive ganglion of precious first-hand information about breast cancer, but, being the incredibly stupid nosey person that I am, I also peered into threads like *Sharp Shooting Pain Feels like I am Being Stabbed* and *My Breast Feels like a Ticking Time Bomb.*  Uh oh. Not a good idea.

Two days later, I am back at Kaiser.  The second mammogram wasn't too bad -- I think New Nursie was warned that my breasts bear a fleeting resemblance to garbanzo beans, so I got a better, less painful machine -- Huzzahhh!   The ultrasound wasn't bad either -- Nursie smeared some really cold jellied stuff on my breast, and then tried to iron me like a fine linen blouse.  After consulting with the radiologist (who was somewhere else on the premises), Nursie announced that they had found 2 very small cysts and that I was free to go, although they would like to check up on the little buggers again after 6 months. OH JOY!  I then leaped off the examination table, threw my bra in the trash (it was an old bra anyway, probably from high school) and ran off with my sister to Carls Jr. for some lovely fried onion rings.  Really, it takes so little to make me happy.

                                                           This makes me happy too!

Mammograms: When the World Is Flat!

Have you ever had a mammogram when your mammos stopped growing at age 9?  Yes, girls, not only do I wear an alluring A Cup, but I do believe I am an A- !  I've seen cheese wontons that put my chest to shame.  So you can imagine my embarrassment & frank dismay when I go to KAISER for my annual mammogram.

This year, they had a new machine.  No, it didn't have a microscope (that would have been more practical with my nut-like specimens) but it had A TRAY!  A TRAY!  A tray upon which to pour one's *lush womanly curves* so that it may be examined for unnatural growths (like, an additional fat cell maybe) by the charming nursie/technician.  Fortunately, Startled Nursie saw my dilemma, discreetly removed the tray and replaced it with the customary glass plates on which to photograph my near invisible thingamabobs.  Poor Nursie!  For 15 minutes, she squeezed, pummeled, kneaded, twisted, moved my arms this way & that, and exclaimed, "Oh dear, did that hurt?" and that was just the first breast.  By the end of the mammogram, I was in tears, convinced that if I didn't have cancer before, I certainly had it now, since the pain was near unbearable.  Did I have any breast left?  Surely she had squashed my meagre endowments to the size of a sausage patty.

At last, Exhausted Nursie left the room with the 4 precious plates of my mammogram. Five minutes later, she returned and said, smiling, that I would get a letter in 2 weeks.  It sounds like good news, but we'll see when I get that notice in the mail.  At this point, I'm just hoping my breasts will grow back in time for the next mammogram.

 

When Waterboarding might be preferable ...

                                       

 

                                                 

A Bookish Retirement

So what is the first thing you do when you start thinking of the BIG R?  You buy books on retirement, of course!  LOTS OF THEM!  Here's a teeny sampling of my reading list ...

RETIRE HAPPY: WHAT YOU CAN DO NOW TO GUARANTEE A GREAT RETIREMENT, by Richard Stim & Ralph Warner. 2008.
This is a typical Nolo Press book (Nolo books are always being stolen from my library), so you can be sure that it is exceedingly useful, straightforward and comprehensive. My favourite chapters are Ch.7. Convert Debt into Retirement Savings; Ch.8. Where will the Money Come From? and Ch. 9. Growing and Protecting Retirement Assets. RETIRE HAPPY might be a little too basic for you finance fanatics, but it's a great jumping off point and would be my first purchase.

RETIREMENTOLOGY: RETHINKING THE AMERICAN DREAM IN A NEW ECONOMY, by Gregory Salsbury. 2010.
This is not a retirement financial guide per se, and, in fact, might be more useful for those who are still a fair distance from throwing in the towel. But it talks about the irrational ways we behave when it comes to money ("I'm not really spending $900 on a 50 inch TV -- I'm saving money because its ON SALE!") and how *number crunching* should not scare us off planning for our retirement. This book is also surprisingly humorous and engaging for such a serious subject.

YOU CAN RETIRE YOUNG!  HOW TO RETIRE IN YOUR 40s OR 50s WITHOUT BEING RICH! by Larry Ferstenou. 2002.
Even if it is a bit dated (originally published in 2002, the author doesn't really discuss the high costs of health care & his compound interest rates are way off), this book is nevertheless an entertaining & practical account of how a frugal married couple saved their balls off and lived off their investments.  Of course, they don't mention until much later in the book that they also work part-time, but I forgive them because I'm such a sweet old lady.

20 RETIREMENT DECISIONS YOU NEED TO MAKE RIGHT NOW by Ray E. Levitre.  2010.
If you can understand this sentence "If your IRA contains after-tax contributions, withdrawals are made on a pro-rata basis" without eventually hallucinating about neighing sex starved centaurs, then this book is FOR YOU!  Recommended only for financial geeks and Lovers of Spreadsheet Literature.

• Decision #1: Do I have enough money to retire now?
• Decision #2: Is it worthwhile to develop a comprehensive financial plan if I'm already close to retirement?
• Decision #3: Who should I trust to advise me about my financial future?
• Decision #4: How much can I safely withdraw from my portfolio?
• Decision #5: If I retire early, is it okay to withdraw funds from my IRA?
• Decision #6: When should I begin taking Social Security?
• Decision #7: Which pension payout option should I choose?
• Decision #8: Which retirement plan distribution option should I choose?
• Decision #9: How should I manage my personal savings?
• Decision #10: How much should I invest in stocks, bonds, and cash?
• Decision #11: How should I diversify my investment portfolio?
• Decision #12: What should I do if the bulk of my portfolio is invested in one or two stocks?
• Decision #13: What criteria should I use to identify the best investments?
• Decision #14: Should I buy load or no-load mutual funds, annuities, and life insurance?
• Decision #15: How will I manage my portfolio on an ongoing basis?
• Decision #16: How will I cover my medical expenses during retirement?
• Decision #17: Should I buy long-term care insurance?
• Decision #18: Should I cancel my life insurance policy, since I no longer need the coverage?
• Decision #19: Should I pay off my mortgage at retirement?
• Decision #20: What strategies should I use to ensure that my estate passes to my heirs and not to Uncle Sam?

RAGS TO RETIREMENT: STORIES FROM PEOPLE WHO RETIRED WELL ON MUCH LESS THAN YOU'D THINK.  By Gail Liberman and Alan Lavine. 2010.
A really excellent book featuring tales of the mildly geriatric as they embark on the 2nd half of life.  There's no glossy fairy tales here -- every story is told with delightful honesty, and sometimes, an overlay of regret.  Stories range from an adventurous feller who decides to live on a houseboat to a somewhat sad account of a native American whose later life is complicated by a stroke.

 

All books are available on AMAZON. 

                                                      

                                             
                                                           

I Can't Dance But ...

They can!  This is my favourite Dance of All Time from SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE, one of the very few TV shows I watch.  The first time I saw this Spectacle of Loveliness, it made me cry. Probably because I knew I will never fit into Jaime's little blue negligee.  Sniffles.  Choreographed by Wade Robson, The Hummingbird & the Flower also won an Emmy.

                                         Hok & Jaime dance to The Chairman's Waltz

The Perfect Shoes!

All my life, I have been searching ... searching ... through the icy wastes of the Arctic and the steaming moist, slug-infested jungles of Cebu.  I have spent hundreds of dollars in the search, rudely tossing aside those which did not satisfy.  And then, three weeks ago, after reading a NY Times article on what flight attendants wore on their painful tootsies, the end of my Impossible Search came via UPS in an eagerly awaited AMAZON box.



Yes folks, I received my first pair of SKECHERS GO WALK walking shoes!  Yeah, I know they don't have the exquisite soul-destroying glamor of' a pair of Loboutins or Jimmy Choos, but just look at that cushy anti-microbial sock lining and the radically lightweight midsole which promotes a natural stride!  Plus these are the most comfortable non-pinching shoes I've ever owned!  That weird neuropathy-induced "dirty foot" feeling is reduced and I actually feel like bouncing up & down, something I haven't done since my mum hid the Halloween candy on top of the fridge.  The only super annoying thing about it is that I found these shoes about three months before RETIREMENT!  WTF!  Nevertheless, I bought three pairs (navy, black & a brown suede version called Autumn GoWalk) just in case Putin decides to bomb all the SKECHER factories in the world on a bad hair day.

Remember: SKECHERS GO WALK!  Choose the one without a subtitle, because apparently, SKECHERS GoWalk also come in different permutations like SKECHERS GoWalk Glee, or SKECHERS GoWalk Frisky, which looks like a unicorn vomited all over it.  And no, SKECHERS didn't pay me a cent for this post -- I just wanted all ye oldsters with foot issues to be aware that these comfy shoes are available on ZAPPOS, AMAZON and the official SKECHERS website, even if they are a little expensive ($59 US, but cheaper on AMAZON).

PS. Bookish Confessions, Pt. 2 will return next week. Maybe. Unless I find the perfect toenail clippers! Yarrr. 

Bookish Confessions, Pt. I

My sister, Tipsy VA Loan Analyst, interviews Tipsy Mermaid on her Wildly Exciting Career Path:

Tipsy VA:  How did you find your job?

My mum found my job.  I had just spent 7 months watching Frankie Goes to Hollywood videos when my mum pushed me off our flowered gabardine couch, shoved the LA Times Classifieds in front of my nose, and told me to apply for a temp job at a downtown law library. Since I was already sick of watching the only TWO Frankie videos available on MTV, I affably agreed to apply for a two year job relabeling 10,000 law books.  

Eventually (because I was so good at applying glue), I was offered a library clerk position, and after two years of rather intermittent training, I was promoted to Library Cataloging Assistant. Huzzahh!  From there, it was only a matter of time (like 20 years!) before I reached my current title of Library Assistant Who's been Around since the founding of Angkor Wat.

What is your favourite library?

THE LONDON LIBRARY in 14 Saint James Square, London. What a beautiful building!  Their collection is particularly strong in the humanities: history, art, world literature, religion, and gorgeous Jude Law type circulation clerks.  

Your favourite books?

Difficult question. You can't have just one! I would say my favourite historical fiction is Colleen McCullough's epic ROME series, which covers the Age of Sulla to the death of Cleopatra in six gigantic doorstop volumes.  I also love the endlessly inventive Gary Jennings who wrote AZTEC and THE JOURNEYER, books I re-read almost every year for their hot Kamasutric possibilities.  Sex featuring an onion?  CHECK!  Sex with a teapot?  CHECK!  By the way, if you want to experience *erotica* by purchasing FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, don't waste your money.  If I read about one more *shattering orgasm that happened because he touched me down there, there, in my secret private place, using his very long index finger*  I think I'll puke into 15 handbags.  Good grief, woman!  Be glad the author hasn't thought of chopsticks!

Tipsy VA:  Uhhhh ... where were we?  Can we continue next week?  I .. uhh .. have something to buy on AMAZON. 

       Interview to be continued next week!     

Support Pantless Prince Harry!

What, don't people have a sense of humor anymore?  The Queen's Hussars support Prince Harry in his naked Vegas shenanigans!  (I know they don't look like Hussars at the moment, but you have to imagine them in their tall furry hats.)

Meanwhile, play this youtube whilst observing this stirring (if rather teensy) sight of British manliness.  Ahem.

 

 

                                      

96 Days & Counting!

WOW, could it be so?  I have 96 days left on my Novelty Retirement Clock!  (A blue cartoonish object purchased on Amazon for a ridiculous $14, eeek!)  Counting assorted holidays & days off for doctors appointments, that is actually only 64 working days!  (My last day is November 30, 2012.)   A lot of people tell me that the days will go by like a speeding bullet, but I don't think that's true at all.  I find every day unbearably slow, and I am actually considering using some of my vacation so I can leave even earlier. (I have 200 hours vacation which cannot be converted into service credit.)  I know my boss won't be happy about it, but frankly, who cares?  28 years of near non-appreciation from most of my superiors and I'm supposed to give a Flying F**k?  (Pardon the salty language, but I'm a bit pissed at the moment.)

It's funny, but after working here for so long, I no longer have a sense of the weight & depth of real life.  I come to work. I get my coffee. My boss emails me my assignments for the week.  She checks with me to see if I'm ok with it. I work for eight hours. If there happens to be a stray electron of amusement in my working day, it comes from some cynical friend or from the internet. I work some more.  At 4:45 PM, I leave.  And every two weeks, I get paid.  Thats It.

96 days left on my retirement clock.   Tick tock, tick tock ...

                                                   

The Portentous Puzzle of Mr Ping!

I was rummaging through my sock drawer for .. er .. socks when I came
across this mathematical thingie called THE PORTENTOUS PUZZLE OF
MR PING, with which I had apparently amused myself in the overheated
Summer of 1998.  (I had pencilled in *Summer 1998* in a corner of the
portentous notebook paper.)

Pick the number of days a week that you would like to go out for Chinese
food (or pizza or tacos or whatever).
Multiply this number by 2.
Add 5.
Multiply result by 50.

If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1748. If you haven't, add 1747.
From this number, subtract the four digit year that is your birth year.

If you followed my most explicit instructions, you should now have a THREE DIGIT number. The first digit was the original number you chose in Step 1 (how many times a week you want to go to the The Fishy Chippy!). The second 2 digits reveal your AGE (in 1998!) !!! By the Ugly Astrologers of Chaldea, is this not AMAZING ???

Note:  1998 is the only year in which this Portentous Puzzle applies.  (So sue me.)

                        
                                                                     
                                      

About Me Update! Huzzahh!

It took forever (there's a horrible heat wave at the moment) but I have just updated my ABOUT ME section.  In the bio, I also included a clip of the fabulous Marc Martel singing in QUEEN EXTRAVAGANZA, a concert tribute to my favourite band in the world.

PS. I would also like to drop in a word for the artistic creator of my blog, Sharon Henry of PLUMROSE LANE, who did a fabulous job of all the whizbangs & decoretage!  Thank you, dear Sharon. 

Bag Hag

Ok, I admit it -- I love handbags.  I know I don't seem to be the handbag type -- What, me comb my hair? Don't be ridiculous! I combed it 2 days ago! -- but I own perhaps 30 satchels, hobos, rucksacks, canvas messengers & totes.  Now, that doesn't sound like a large collection to most fashionistas, but when you find your dog sleeping on a shredded motorcycle bag from FOSSIL and you don't care, perhaps you do have a bit of a problem. 

So what kind of handbag do I like?  Well, first, it has to be very large -- at least, 18 inches across, 16 inches tall, and at least 5 inches deep.  Shoulder straps have to be minimum of  16 inches long. It has to contain my immensely fat 12 year old wallet, a daily newspaper, a water bottle, my lunch, my current trashy paperback, my sketchbook & pencil box, and a ring of keys large enough to unlock the Bank of America. It also has to be made of buttery soft RED, FUSCHIA or ORANGE leather (faux leather is ok too) and MUST HAVE multiple outside zippered pockets for my bus pass, ID card, and my vast collection of quarters for vending machine Cheez-It emergencies.  

So if I know exactly what I like, what's with the 30 bags in the closet? Well ...  nothing's wrong with them really, except maybe the color wasn't quite right, or the pockets were too shallow, or the leather was so stiff that it bruised my deliciously dimpled underarms.  And I only have 4 months left until Retirement -- will I need another bag after that?

On the other hand ... Isn't this gorgeous?  I know it's yellow but still ...

                                          
                               

Fluffeh Maru

Ooops, how did that get in here?

Maru, the fluffiest cat in the planet, gets his ears cleaned.  Looks like
someone has  been having more than their share of the potato salad.

When Enough is Enough ...

A friend recently told me, "You're too young to retire!  Why not stay two more years to increase your pension?  You would be making 75% of your salary!"  Why not indeed?  I've been thinking hard about this.  My twin sister, who works for the VA, makes more than twice as much money as I do, but is always stressed out from coping with report deadlines, a workaholic boss, and deadbeat employees.  And yet she will not consider leaving until 2016, when she is eligible for Full Retirement & generous federal bennies. 

Meanwhile, Poverty-Stricken Me wants to throw in the towel at 51 despite a wallet full of credit cards and considerable debt.  Am I bored, even lazy?  Perhaps.  But I didn't get this way without help.  For one thing, I haven't been promoted since Bruce Springsteen wore blue jean nappies.  Even weirdos have received more consideration -- one of them was a colleague who got promoted 3 times while trimming her toenails and complaining to me that she is overworked and that her wrists hurt.  (From what?  Excessive wrist rotation from overactive toenail growth?) 

So I am retiring, calling it a day, engines are now disengaging, Captain.  Not just because 50 is the mimimum age for early retirement in my neck of the woods.  But also because, over the last year or so, it is now clear that the lack of acknowledgment / promotion / new desk inlaid with rare Neapolitan woods also rankles.  I'll miss my friends when I leave.  But continuing to work under these circumstances would be foolish and, ultimately, self-destructive.

                           

                                        Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
                                         And sorry I could not travel both
                                         And be one traveler, long I stood
                                         And looked down one as far as I could
                                        To where it bent in the undergrowth ..

                                                                                            Robert Frost

                                                                               

                   

What Fresh Home Is This?

This is my little Spanish Colonial in Los Angeles, California. As you can see, its not exactly Beige Modern, nor has it changed much since 2010, when this youtube was made. The only major difference is a vast increase in bookyness (my sister is currently in a witchcraft / hunky vampire kick), and the dining room table has become untidy because it is covered with laundry, assorted water bottles, and four J Jill catalogues. (Seriously, J Jill and J. Crew must be responsible for razing half the trees in South America.)  Eventually, I will show you my garden, when it is prettier and the weeds have stopped trying to strangle passers-by.

PS.  95% of the fabric in this video was found on Ebay at ridiculously low prices.  My favourite is the green & pink Duralee toile on the dining room chairs.

Staff Meetings: The Infernal Device!

So ... we just had our Quarterly Staff Meeting.  I'm sure everyone has them, but ours are extra special, like that pimple on your nose that never goes away.  Rule No. 1: Everyone must be Present and there shall be NO EXCUSES!  You could have a great white shark attached to your bottom and you'd still have to show up.  Even a diagnosis of flesh eating disease won't save you.

First, the Announcements!  Big Bossy announces that "We just hired another Director!" Huzzahh!  Never mind that this director will only be supervising one employee and our organization already has more *directors* than there are Swiss girls named Gretel.  You can never have too many directors.  In fact, I heard a rumor today that I am being considered for Director of Parking Lot Attendants.

Staff birthdays are next!  I can't tell you how eagerly I look forward to my birthday every year when I see all those names for July, August & September scrolling over the video screen at 80 mph.  It just makes a girl wanna cry. Afterwards, we have fresh frosted cupcake followed by such a frantic rush to the loo that the water pressure of downtown LA drops by 19%.

After the break (during which I also check my email and read a touching request for funds to save a cat meowing pitifully in a drainpipe) -- the Pièce de résistance!  STRATEGY GROUPS! -- in which the befuddled staff  must come up with ways to make the organization achieve world domination through Facebook & possibly Pinterest!  Unfortunately, I am mostly ignored when I suggest that the Library of the Future (or LAWCULUS ©) will almost certainly be telepathic. 

 Using a brain control interface in the shape of ergonomic ice tongs, the Patron will access the Wisdom of  LAWCULUS by reading the librarian's mind which stores the equivalent of 500,000 titles.  Afterwards, the Patron will download the book telepathically to his Iphone 9.5.  Hence, print and electronic material (as well as directors) will no longer be necessary and the annual budget is reduced to a reasonable $86.95.  Yes, yes, I realize that our librarians will eventually all wind up with dented foreheads, but is that so bad? It isn't any worse than my bald spot. 


                               

                                   Our IT guy is arrested for missing staff meeting.

Jacket Most Quilty

Huzzahh, my incredibly huge quilted brown winter jacket has arrived!  (I love quilted things.)  As usual, I found it on Ebay where tasteful large people are apparently unloading entire closets full of lovely stuff!   Although it is 3x and still rather large on my chunky frame (I normally wear 1-2X), it looks quite stylish & roomy enough to hide my Voyager travel vest which I bought so I wouldn't have to carry a daypack.  Here it is with its cool corduroy collar.  Only $45 including Priority shipping, this exceedingly comfy jacket is by Jones New York.

I realize it is quite brown but I think chestnut is a pretty color, and Google Earth could certainly identify me as a *large puffy brown hazelnut* rolling down Palatine Hill if I ever go missing.  (I intend to visit Rome -- and Palatine Hill -- early next winter.)

I Got Bookmarks!

As I approach the Autumnal Leafiness of My Life (retirement), I suddenly realized how many freaking cat videos are listed in my Bookmarks!  There must be close to 30!  And that doesn't even include my most recent favourite of a cat named Shiro who sits somewhere in Japan, wearing 5 cans of sardines on his head.  But seriously, have you ever tried cleaning up your Bookmarks?   It is soooo hard.  Surely I will need  to consult that site featuring *Federal Tax Brackets* when I get rich by selling my line of crafty Q-tips frugally fashioned from dryer lint.  And how can I delete that precious Ebay listing of *Womens Plus Sizes Athletic Shorts Pants Many Colors!* when each athletic item is only $5.88?  And have I mentioned my scads of film clips featuring Jonny Lee Miller in his every delicious appearance as dear Mr Knightley?  Nope, don't think I'll get rid of those.  I'll get rid of the cats before I get rid of my pretty man.  But I just saw this so adorable viddy of a kitten chewing his adorable toebeans ...  dangnabbit ...

   Emma & Mr Knightley at the Crown Inn ball.  Toebean Cat coming soon!

Eat This!

Even though I am violently allergic to shrimps, prawns, crabs and all hideous sea creatures with eyes on stalks, I eat SHRIMP CHIPS like there's no tomorrow!  Which probably means that the closest these chips have ever been to a shrimp was when the Calbee grocery truck rumbles past the parking lot of Panda Express.  Shrimp chips. Only 500 calories a bag and of absolutely no nutritional or shrimpy value whatsoever. Just the way I like it.   Oh & I hate veggies too.  

"My Head is Spinning!"

Looks like layoffs are postponed.  Apparently, Dear Leader forgot to mention to the Board that she was planning to close the branch libraries, which did not sit well with these demi-gods. "My head spinneth like a top!" exclaimed one particularly outraged member as she picked out the prawns in her seafood salad.  Meanwhile, all I could think of was a Western Bacon Cheeseburger, a giant Coke Slurpee, and a pile of greasy onion rings the size of Mt Fuji.  Honestly, someone should drop a note in the Suggestion Box about a Senor Taco food cart being present during the proceedings.

Not So Good News!

Oh no! Not so Dear Leader has sent shocking Memo to weary slaves about impending layoffs! (I work in a library, folks.) Apparently, to *counter the reduction in revenue,* Big Bossy has decided to reduce the staff by 11 positions, so the remaining employees can rejoice in their good fortune at being allowed to remain! Huzzahhhh! FREE CUPCAKES EVERYONE!  [Yours Truly starts writing a 12 page dissertation on why Dear Leader should keep only those workers with an attractive bald spot.]


Meanwhile, worried employees do what they do best ...

You Can Feel it in your Bones ...

You know it's Time to Retire when:

• You just bought microwaveable comfort booties on Amazon.
• You pity everyone under 45. 
• 95% of your internet bookmarks are about living in Costa Rica and toe joint inflammation. 
• You start making cash flow diagrams on post-its during staff meetings.
• You realize that you've been using the same art gum eraser for 23 years.
• Your boss keeps telling visitors that you have been working there since you were a fetus.
• You find the dried-up cinnamon buns in the kitchen vending machine surprisingly tasty.   
• All your tops have zippers & your pants are fleece.

                                                        Notice the retirement clock?